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| 05:21pm 02/09/2008 |
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mood:  content music: The Beatles
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Wow, it's been...months. Guess I don't post when I'm not miserable, or maybe it's been the distraction of MMOs. Played a RDM and a BRD to 75 on FFXI with the bf before getting annoyed with the idiots on the game and quitting again, selling my character for a whopping $125, which was just enough to keep me paying my rent for another month before financial aid money comes in. Started playing WoW again with the bro but I'm already sick of the morons so I don't know how long it will last. It's a free trial so I might see how high lvl I can get before it runs out and then just sell that too. Might as well get something out of it, right? Hahah.
Currently living with two friends, one of their bfs, and the bf in a pretty nice 3BR 2 bathroom apartment. Like really nice, nicer than anyplace I've ever lived. Roommates can suck sometimes but everyone gets along really well and it's a good little apartment complex with a minimum of white trash so it's worth the occaisional annoyance. As I said, I'd rather live like mexicans than with them. Yay racism!
School starts up again in a few weeks, I'm finishing out more requirements for my lolart degree this term. Unfortunately I'm going to have an 8 am class 2 days a week and an evening class on the same days, so I am going to be a walking timebomb for the duration. But it will get quite a bit of progress done on my requirements, which is encouraging. I'm still working on contesting the D in Art, long story short I took it too the highest level I can and just need to write up how the teacher was biased, then send it to a committee who will review it and make the final decision. Whatever happens, I can be satisfied that I've wasted a lot of people's time and brought a lot of unwanted negative attention to the dumbass teacher. And if I have to retake the class, I'll be sure to take it with her and make her life miserable for 6 hours a week....
Got the weirdest (and maybe saddest?) drunkass post on my rantariffic blog from an ex-bf. I'm not going to bother posting it or justifying it with an answer over there, but it did set off a train of thought about friendship, reaching out, human interation and wtf all of it is supposed to be good for. So I promptly went to my lolmyspace page and put up a firewall of fuckoffery to ensure I don't have future problems with people wanting to talk or any of that silly shit.
Off to clean the garage! |
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| hrm |
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| 02:32am 07/04/2008 |
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mood:  sleepless music: Scarecrow - Tetsu69
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TV at 3 am sucks ass on a Sunday when you have a paperclip in lieu of a cable subscription.... Guess I'll have to use my brain or something.
Took the cats up to live with the parents on Friday. After weeks/months/years of them driving me absolutely insane, the realization that they were barring me from any liveable/affordable housing was probably the last straw. Maybe this makes me coldhearted to be able to drop them off like that, who knows. I still feel like I should be tripping over them coming home or seeing their ears perk up in greeting when I go out into the living room. Nothing fuzzy comes to rub around my legs for food when I'm in the kitchen. Kinda sad in an empty house/lonely cat lady sort of way, kinda happy that I can leave things out without fear of them being destroyed. Whatever it makes me, it furthers my belief that I should never, ever have children. They're far more destructive and far less cute, and you can't quite pawn them off on your parents as easily >.>;
Been looking for an apartment that isn't a slum or a fuckload of money to move into with the bf. Ha, haha. Good luck with that. Applied with him to one in Springtucky near the mall and got denied due to my shitass credit, and Carol Sunde whitetrash realty giving me a bad reference. Can't really do much to remedy either. Couldn't get any information from the apartments as to wtf she said, talked to the lawyer on campus, who said it pretty much didn't matter because the fat bitch can say whatever she wants and get away with it. Whatever, it goes both ways...I'll leave it at that. Since I'm getting good at writing appeals, decided to go ahead and write up an appeal for them about how I'm not the white trash loser I look like on paper. /sigh. Sent that Friday, hoping to hear from them sometime this coming week...if at all. Who knows, maybe we don't even really want to live there. Looks like shit on the outside and a website had some reviews that included drug haven in the description. Might be able to work something out with a couple/few friends in the Mexiriffic style of cramming 28439 people into an expensive place, but my credit will probably fuck me out of it. Maybe I can write an appeal for that one too. -.-;
Speaking of appeals, the drawing teacher left me with a D and not even the courtesy of responding to my email, so I went to the next rung of the ladder and appealed to the head of the department. Was supposed to meet with her on Friday as well, but managed to turn off my alarm and miss it (wooo bet that looks awesome), so ended up rescheduling for Tuesday. Hopefully it will be successful, because I'm tired of writing appeals. But if (when?) it's not, I'm taking it up another rung.
Other than that, stuff's okay for the moment. Had myself a real weekend, got to visit with the parents and hit Portland to do some clothes shopping on the way home. Yay, pants that fit. Heading into Week 2 of the new term tomorrow with a decent mood, we'll see how long that lasts >.>; |
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| where were we...? |
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| 10:34pm 10/03/2008 |
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mood:  depressed music: Modest Mouse
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Pretty much picking up where I left off two weeks ago. Today my final portfolio was due in drawing, had to meet for a one-on-one with the instructor (which wasn't really a one-on-one due the the random people wandering in and out, and of course one of the dumb bimbos I disliked was sitting around waiting for her turn). Of course I was following one of the self-proclaimed artists who was receiving a stellar review and drowning in praise for her work. Contrastingly, I was told I'd done jack shit during the term and everything I had completed was garbage, and that I'd be taking the class again (likely with a different instructor). Well, it wasn't so blunt, but that was the gist. Got pretty much ignored when I tried to plead my case by showing examples of what I'd learned.
Instead of voicing the rest of my feelings, I took my leave in a less than composed manner which may or may not have included an explitive, and proceeded out the building. On the way I tore my midterm portraits to shreds and took out my frustrations on some trash cans, then in a stellar show of effort, managed to endure an entire hour of idiot freshmen discussing meaningless crap in writing without exploding.
I've always wanted to draw or do something artistic, and yet it becomes quite clear that by college you're supposed to already know exactly what the hell you're doing and have your life all laid out for you. There's no room for learning and experimenting; apparently you're supposed to complete your education in high school and use college for fine tuning the skills you already have. My need to be creative is contanstly overshadowed by those that already are. Would you honestly want to continue doing something when everyone around you was better at it by a large margin, when every effort you put forth was regarded as garbage, when you couldn't find anything that seemed feasable for a future career, when it only served to make you miserable?
I needed to reach out to someone today and realized I couldn't, for so many reasons. There are no answers in others. Although by that same reasoning, there should be no comparisons to others as well. I think that part is inevitable.
In the time I've spent writing this and contemplating the email I was going to send to the instructor (it's been a good 5 hours, I keep getting distracted >.>), I received an email from someone wanting to talk to me about my "being quite upset" at my grade.
Til later.... |
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| status quo |
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| 06:57pm 20/02/2008 |
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mood: disappointed music: Yael Naim - oh noeeees indie crap!
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Midterm was due in Art Drawing today. Three self-portraits (my fucking favorite) in three different mediums on HUGE fucking paper. We had to post them on the walls and do a feedback/critique thing during class (THREE FUCKING HOURS and yes, it was shoot-yourself-in-the-face boring). Mine pretty much got 'this is shit' from everyone in whatever words they could find that were acceptable to say in a classroom setting. Teacher described it as 'shallow' before saying that wasn't the right word, which means it WAS and the expression of death on my face scared her out of it. Someone said my charcoal version looked like a cartoon Kim Possible or something from Invader Zim, while someone else found it a likeness to Gollum (sp?) from LoTR. Thanks guys. My shaky self-confidence loves to hear that sort of thing.
So tonight instead of working to advance my obvious complete lack of skill in art, I'm downing a large quantity of wine and once again contemplating things. I decided to major in art out of disgust at the ridiculously run Digital Arts program, but I don't seem to have any notable art skills. I will admit I didn't try my hardest on those self-portraits, but the measure of effort I did give them should have had them turn out better. So do I give up on art? My dream job, my goal back before I got (more) cynical, was to do character design for SE. WTF happened to that? I'm starting to think it's just one of those unattainable things. If I'd been able to afford to go someplace like the Art Institute of Portland would things have been any different? Do you work within your boundaries, do you shoot for the stars, or do you aim somewhere in between--not high enough to burn your wings, but high enough to enjoy flying? Does everything happen for a reason? Was every lost opportunity, every fucked up relationship, every little thing that went wrong actually right? If it was right, why the fuck am I so pissed off?
I've never been told a piece of my art was great. When I get the confidence to show someone some of my crap, I get uncomfortable silence followed by some bullshit compliment. I've been told I can sing (but who can't?), and I've been told on many occaisions that I can write a decent piece of whatever (shitty papers in particular, since I rarely let anyone touch my fiction). So do I change my major to an equally worthless degree in something like creative writing or journalism? Or will school ruin that for me too?
I ask myself the same fucking questions again and again and never get any answers. |
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| <3 |
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| 07:34pm 15/02/2008 |
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mood: happy?! music: ffxi
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Like my life is on a sliiiiiiiiiii~iiiiiiiiide....
So last week sucked a lot of ass (well ok the whole month for the most part) but this week has been shining happy rainbows, which was a nice change.
Monday my parents came down with a working loaner car, as the death of the Nova had left me riding my favorite mode of transportation, the BUS, everywhere. It's amazing, it goes when you hit the gas, it stops when you hit the brakes, and best of all, it doesn't require manual assistance to get out of intersections. Hooray!
Thursday, had the best Valentine's Day evaaaaar, bf and I dressed up for each other and went out to dinner at the local pizza place. He gave me a rose and candy and a card with a self-written poem with declarations of love, which was about the sweetest thing anyone has ever said and done for me.
School is... meh. As usual. But w/e. 5 more weeks, and the last week is always a joke. I feel like I might actually pass WR123 for once, GO ME! Just gotta keep going to them and at least making a half-assed effort to pass and should be good! |
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| hey stranger |
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| 01:36am 30/01/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Hello - Evanescence (EMO POWER!)
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Long time again. Seems like lately I can't find the time to be honest with myself or anyone else about feelings (yeah those scary things). Although there comes a point when it just gets old to keep being an emo loser about everything.
Honesty, huh? Ok. I don't see the point to pretty much anything anymore. I hate my classes, I hate the people around me, I hate my day-to-day, and everything seems to be teetering on the edge of going to hell. The only thing holding it together is loved ones that I can't bring myself to desert. Abandon? Bail out on? Leave hanging? There really aren't words that can describe it, no way to explain it without being misinterpreted. I wrote a piece on suicide once, how I read an article in the Oregonian about a stranger that killed herself. That article still makes me cry, and I still can't tell you why.
So. Things. Suckage, really. JPN, way behind. WR123, absofuckinglutely ridiculous. I don't know how I'm going to pull a passing grade out of that one. I spent about 3 hours writing a paper for it, and I'm still not sure that's even what she wanted. I posted it on my happyrainbows blog, the one where I'm not quite so depressingly honest about my state of affairs. Art (Drawing), I spend 20 mins doing 6 hrs of homework and sleep in class. Art (3D design), I'm making a toilet out of cardboard. Ha, haha. When I explained that this 3D toilet made from layers of cardboard was going to be a statement on UO's quality of education, the teacher gave me a blank stare. That's good, right?
I don't have a (real) job. All I have is school for my daily. All I see is the same old shit, the same spoiled and absurdly stupid kids that have no idea what the real world is. I do, I think I do. Maybe I do? The real world is having to do things like choose between paying your rent on time or eating for a week. I've lived on my own off and on since 18. I've worked before. The shit jobs I worked over the summer were a slap-in-the-face encouragement to stay in school. But the call to drop out is still there. It gets old getting up and hauling my ass to classes I hate all morning, having to endure the bullshit with a smile just to placate nazi teachers.
If I had a job instead of school, would it really be any better? (At least the kind of jobs I could get with no degree?) Is it worth giving up and letting all the morons succeed? If I do that, what will I regret later on? I'm tired of being a disappoinment. I want to be the savior of the family, the success, the shining one to be proud of. Look what our daughter did! She bought us this house! She's the first one in the family to make it!
I want to do it before it's too late, before my parents are too old to really appreciate it. What kind of burden is that?
Hindsight is 20/20, it always has been. If I could go back and do shit over again.... Well, I'd punch a lot more people in the face, that's a start, right? The pain fades but the scars remain.
I'm reading a book called "Without a Net: the Female Experience Growing Up Working Class," a compilation of stories by working class women, all about their lives growing up poor. Some of these stories hit so damn hard I find myself tearing up, usually in inconvenient places like the bus station. I guess I do that more often than I like to admit when I know (think) no one is watching. But they connect to me so deeply--I was there, I know exactly what that's like, I know exactly what you're saying. Where the hell are these people? Why aren't they speaking up and rallying against the establishment, damnit? Writing poignant essays can only get you so far. Why isn't anyone standing up and getting angry and DOING something? What's the bumper sticker? "Well behaved women seldom make history?"
It's not even about being a brokeass woman, it's about being a brokassed ANYONE that's poor and overlooked, anyone that's being held down and told they're not worth the same as everyone else, anyone that's being denied opportunities because they're not holding a stack of cash, ANYONE that's being looked down on and insulted because of their position in this socially constructed heirachy.
I think I watched too many movies like "Fight Club." Did you know you can fertilize your lawn with motor oil? Me neither.) I'm impatient, and I want results now, not after I'm dead. I want to see the repurcussions of my actions. I want to feel changes in the social atmosphere while I'm still around to enjoy it. I believe the only way to motivate people to change is to do something that affects them directly, and usually that involves blowing shit up or making big, nasty scenes.
I can hear homeland security busting down my door already. Thought-crime, oh noeeeees!
But honestly, you can write fifty essays in the New Yorker, and the only people that will read them are the ones that already care and know that there is a problem, the ones that are already trying their damnedest to fix the world. You do something like a huge installation art piece in the middle of a fucking McDonald's or an elaborate unauthorized performance-art production on the set of some pop culture show, and EVERYONE is going to see it. Of course not everyone will get it, but there will be at least a small percentage that will have something click inside them.
I know I clicked a long time ago, probably when I left home and got my first taste of the hypocrisy and ridiculousness in education that was WOU. Probably even before that, in middle school, when I realized I wasn't like the other kids, and I never would be. That click is what makes me so angry at everything. The question is: what do I have to do to reach that escape velocity, the golden moment where thought becomes action and action becomes change? Where do I find the courage for that?
Why do I need courage to stand up for something that is right? Maybe because it might not really be "right". Maybe because standing up in the public eye and rallying for a cause that isn't favorable is fucking hard. But is it up to me to judge someone else's worthiness of aid? Does the crack-addicted single mother of four uniquely-fathered children who spends her state aid checks on cigarettes, drugs, and beer deserve an advocate? Does helping these kinds of people do anything more than damage the case of people that are inherantly good and just fell on hard times? Is that crackhead mother really "bad"? Do we all have the potential to be something good, something successful?
Well? |
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| suckity suck suck |
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| 10:23pm 13/01/2008 |
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mood:  tired music: Life - Yui
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In the familiar, dirty city
We walked with our heads down,
unable to laugh in the same way
People hurry past
"Has your dream come true?"
I'm still struggling
I'd rather try living well now than go back to when
I was a kid
Cowardice is being born
I went out to a place where the sun shone
and held out my arms
And thought
Could I cross the sky?
I still can't see any wings to fly with
It's because it's not simple
that I can go on living
Just picking up a wet puppy
Made tears overflow
in a way that was funny
I want to be loved, I just want to be loved
I said,
but you can't just long for something
When I was a kid there were days
when I hurt my mother terribly
I want to
change everything now
I went out to a place where the sun shone and
gripped tightly with my hands
I can smash that place, that time,
and change my life
But there's no way I can tell you
everything that's in my heart
It's because it's not simple
that I can go on living
I go out to a place where the sun shines
and open up a map, but
I know... you know...
You can't help getting lost
I can change my life
All the days that have passed
have made me who I am now
It's because it's not simple that
I can go on living
"Life" -- Yui
Awesome song, gogo Jpop.
So anyway, school suckity suck sucks as usual, and the only consolation is that there are only 9 hellacious weeks of it left.
>.> What, were you expecting else with a title like that? |
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| Akemashite Omedeto Gozaimasu! |
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| 01:30am 02/01/2008 |
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mood: relaxed
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aka Happy New Year! And it really was. Sharing a kiss at midnight with someone that means the world to me = perfect.
Started the new year off wrong by ordering a calzone and some ice cream...oh well. I'll start working out next week >.>; Been slacking off majorly, doing nothing on all sides, which is going to change pretty fast. Going back to work tomorrow, and school starts Monday. Not looking forward to either one. But oh well. Just gotta keep chipping away at my worthless degree. It's in sight, really it is. I'll worry about what the hell to do with it later....
Go go go! |
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| what, no ////slashies?!///11?/ |
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| 08:27pm 10/12/2007 |
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mood: content music: TV
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I haven't written a post in 2 weeks, damn, I must be sick. Or not sick? Ha, haha.
This completely innane post brought to you by...say it together, kids, "happiness".
Actually there is a lot of shit on my mind, but it's winter break and I'll use that wonderful tactic of denial to postpone the inevitable emo breakdown until school starts again and it will have maximum life-destroying effects. Hooray~! |
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| draaaaaaaaggggiiinnnnnng it out |
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| 08:00pm 26/11/2007 |
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mood: ok music: mindless tv
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Long story short, I pulled shit together enough to stay another term at UO. I'll be failing two out of three classes, but whatever. If I ever get off my ass I'll write up a formal complaint about the bitch women studies teacher. Whether or not I finish next term or even school is another question, but we'll see how it goes.
Thanksgiving was probably one of the best ever, maybe because this year there was no family involved, just good friends and a new boyfriend with the ultimate patience to put up with said friends. Ha, haha!
One more week of school, one final to take, and then a nice break during which all I'll have to do is work at the job I actually enjoy going to. |
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| 08:29pm 12/11/2007 |
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mood: numb music: A Man Walks Into a Bar - Chumbawamba - Un
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A Man walks into a bar
He Says, "Give me a Bacardi and Coke."
The back of beyond repair
Welcomes the broken and the broke
The latter hitches a ride
On the back of second-hand smoke
And the man,
Well he'd be the punch line
In someone elses Joke
I'll beat this drink
It's a habit I'll kick
Please help me now
I'm gonna be sick
Something hit me
I wound up on the floor
Damn this Bacardi
I don't want anymore
A Man walks into a think-tank
Full of Hooch and future sales
Mixing wish lists with extension plans
Reap Guantanamo Jail
Smell the solid beach
And a whiff of cannot fail
And a guilt trait shop with goblets
Dripping cutthroat cocktails
And they drink a toast to Florida
And all its air-conditioned homes
And they damn the health of Cuba
And they damn its fortified Rum
He sips a calamatar olive
Spits out the stone
And He mimics crushing people
Between forefinger and thumb
I'll beat this drink
It's a habit I'll kick
Please help me now
I'm gonna be sick
Something hit me
I wound up on the floor
Damn This Bacardi
I don't want anymore
The first man wakes up in the same bar
But it's different as in a dream
Infact it's someone else's dream
Clean sheets & New Regime
Fetal burns as Nero romes
Give the bar a zip code
Cya
Cya
See You
And it's one more for the road
I'll beat this drink
It's a habit I'll kick
Please help me now
I'm gonna be sick
Something hit me
I wound up on the floor
Damn this Bacardi
I don't want anymore(x4) |
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| hindsight is 20/20 |
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| 01:39am 09/11/2007 |
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You know what, it's fucking clearer than crystal right now, thanks.
I fucking hate school, I hate every single class I take, I hate every subject I have ever enjoyed because it has been destroyed by the bullshit that is school.
Everyone at UO is a spoiled frat fooball loving dumbass or bleach blonde bimbo. From the cheating in classes to the parking bullshit to all the little annoyances that add up to fucking intolerable over the course of the day. Fuck this shit. If I can't get a job with a portfolio and no piece of worthless fucking paper, it's not a company I want to work for. If I'm going to work shit jobs, I'm going to work shit jobs and I'm going to fuckign find some reason to enjoy it. |
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| and everything goes to hell |
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| 07:11pm 08/11/2007 |
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mood: crushed music: Across the Universe OST
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Knew it was coming I guess, was hoping to deny it. Was beginning to think I might actually be able to pull it together until I went to womenwhining discussion class.
GTF: The instructor has your papers if you want to get them back from her during office hours.
Me: ...why?
GTF: Well I found them kind of disturbing....
Me: (*loolololol*) ...k...who graded them?
GTF: Me.
Me: ... (*lololololoool*)
GTF: We can talk after class if you want.
Stayed after class to argue a bit more for fun that anything, since the GTF is just a puppet anyway. She told me I should major in creative writing and implied that I should never, ever take a women gender studies class >.> I'll try to get ahold of the evil mastermind to argue my way out of completely giving up on life.
Best line evar-
Me: Well, you don't care...so....
GTF: It just sounds like you have something more going on in your life than this class.
Me: *sad smile and exit stage left*
Funny shit. Just like in video games, when you quit life, nobody fucking cares unless you're giving them your stuff. |
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| pep talk |
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| 12:27am 08/11/2007 |
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mood:  distressed music: Theivery Corporation - Until the Morning
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Changed landscaping and womenwhining class to pass/fail in a last ditch effort to salvage my school career. If I can at least pass them and pull a decent grade in Japanese, I'll be able to stick around another term and start on my actual degree coursework. I got into the Art program, though I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Tomorrow I have to go kiss ass with the idiot GTF for womenwhining class and see if it even IS possible to pass, what with the fine quality of the last two papers and my absence in discussion class for 7 weeks >.>; Next week I have to try to pass a midterm for which I don't even OWN the book, and the final is to build a 2ft by 2ft garden model with my copious amounts of no-money. And when (if) I finally do get around to art classes next term, I know I'm going to hate them and all the bullshit they bring.
Everybody I talk to gives me the sunshine rainbows "stay in school, it's not that bad, you can do it" and sometimes I wonder if it's just me. There are plenty of people that don't go to school that manage to get awesome jobs, but then again most of them are actually good at something.... Tired of the spoiled brat rich-kid sports-obsessed frat house punks that run the school and fill the classes, tired of the older versions that teach the classes as GTFs. Will be tired of waiting on them if I drop out and end up taking yet another fuckass shit job.
Will see how tomorrow goes.
_______
I keep on fear, keep on loathing
Nothing brings it on I keep on falling
Decide what it is I can not find
It's subsides what you make it
Never feel like you're gonna break it
It's gonna be alright alright
Sleep until the morning comes
The sun will warm your soul
Sleep until the morning comes for you
Til the morning it's alright
I can walk into the sunlight, into the day, into the day, to the day
I feel it falling, nothing comes to my mind
Bring it on in a different tide
I feel alright, alright
I feel strong, I feel rigid
It's nothing to do with the vision
Oh feels so right, so right
Sleep on tight, sleep on tight
Sleep until the sunlight
Sleep until sunlight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight, til the sunlight
Sleep on tight, til the sunlight burns you happy
Til the sunlight burns you happy, till the sunlight burns a happy hole in
Your heart,
In your heart
In your heart... |
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| best halloween evararaararrrr |
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| 02:02am 01/11/2007 |
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mood: content
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Went to the gateway mall dressed as a pirate with teh ninja counterpart, played ddr, saw the transformers movie, came home and whipped out the second-shittiest paper I've written to date. And I'm not being sarcastic for once! Been a long time since I snuggled in a movie >.>; Or had fun on a holiday.
Anyway. |
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| pictures of war |
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| 07:04pm 29/10/2007 |
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mood: troubled music: coldplay - rush of blood to the head
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You said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
You said I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your hearts desires
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things it did to you in return
You said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on
Said I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside me baby, watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
You just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head
Honey, all the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I've made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you need to go on
As you mean to go on
As you mean to go on
So meet me by the bridge
Meet me by the lane
When am I gonna see that pretty face again?
Oh meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon a rush of blood to the head |
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| surprises |
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| 08:53pm 22/10/2007 |
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mood: contemplative music: Because - Across the Universe OST
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What is it that convinces us to do or not do a particular thing? Of all the decisions we make in a day, what is it about that ONE instance where the voice in our head nagged us to act differently than we wanted to? Why does it turn out to be right? How do we try to explain to the people around us why we move to a decision that is usually against what would be the normal?
And why can't I hear it when I want to?
Do I want to know why that voice never speaks about my own destiny? |
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| fear of falling |
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| 12:22pm 21/10/2007 |
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mood: thoughtful music: Maroon 5 - Can't Stop - It Won't Be Soon Before Long
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All alone in my room, think of you at a rate that is truly alarming
I keep looping my memories of you in my head, I pretend that you want me
And I fall asleep and dream of alternate realities
And I put myself at ease by pretending that she still loves me
And I can't stop thinking about you
And I can't stop thinking about you
You never call, what do I do?
And I can't stop thinking about your love
Ohh, yeah
Can't believe I could think that she would just follow me everywhere I go
I just wrestle with you in my dreams and wake up making love to a pillow
And I fall asleep and dream of alternate realities
And I put myself at ease by pretending that she still loves me
And I can't stop thinking about you
And I can't stop thinking about you
You never call, what do I do?
And I can't stop, and I can't stop
What I would give to have you look in my direction
And I'd give my life to somehow attract your attention
And I touch myself like it's somebody else
Thoughts of you are tattooed on my mind, let me show you
And I can't stop thinking about you
And I can't stop thinking about you
You'll never go, what do I do?
And I can't stop thinking about you
And I can't stop thinking about you
And I can't stop thinking about you
You'll never go, what do I do?
And I can't stop thinking about you |
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| a week? |
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| 02:41pm 18/10/2007 |
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mood: sad music: Stop this Train - John Mayer
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Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I want to get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I will never stop this train |
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| singin in the rain |
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| 01:52am 11/10/2007 |
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mood: nostalgic
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I got impatient with waiting on the bus today and walked 10 blocks in the rain to the transit station. It sucked because it was cold and wet, like rain usually is, but it was nice in that it the way it made the downtown look reminded me of long-gone days in Portland, walking--running--through a downpour, hand in hand with someone I loved. |
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ddrose's journal